U.S. Soldier:We’re giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada. After that, we’re going to bomb all of Iran.
Saddam:I’m from Iraq.
U.S. Soldier:Iran, Iraq, what’s the difference.
The U.S. Soldiers leave.
Iraqi Soldier:Uh, I hate Americans, please let me kill them!
Saddam:No, no, you need to relax guy. Remember the plan; first we take over Canada, then we’ll have the best of the female pop vocalists. After that we’ll take over the U.S., then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world!
[Laughter]
Scott:What’s so funny?
Saddam:Nothing, relax buddy.
Scott:Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada.
Saddam:Oh, really?
Scott:You promised me they’d be gone for good. That was your part of the bargain.
Saddam:I changed my mind. Pray that I don’t change it any further.
The Iraqi Soldier chambers a round in his gun.
Scott:This deal’s getting worse all the time.
[Terrance and Phillips House - 4:06 P.M.]
Phillip:Hey Terrance, let’s watch American television.
Terrance:Yes, we can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all their stupid TV shows.
Phillip:Oh look, here’s a show.
A Jerry Springer episode is on.
Chick:Well fuck you.
A fight breaks out.
Jerry:Here’s our final slut.
[Laughter]
Terrance:Stupid.
Phillip:God damn their TV shows are lame.
Phillip:changes the channel.
Mephesto:The father of Eric Cartman is indeed…
[Laughter]
Phillip:Look at their silly American heads.
Terrance:They look like groundhogs.
Cartman:He’s my father?!?
Phillip changes the channel.
CNN Newscaster:And in other news, it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied quote "Hey, relax fella, you need a rest guy."
Terrance:Hey Phillip, isn’t that the smelly gentleman we’ve seen in pictures all over town?
Phillip:Yes, it is Terrance. According to that newsy he’s some kind of Turkish dictator.
Terrance:Well, we can’t just sit here and eat Kroff dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks.
[Phone ring]
[Laughter]
Phillip:That fart sounded like a ringing phone Terrance.
Terrance:It sure did Phillip.
[Phone ring]
Terrance:Oh wait, that is the phone.
Terrance answers the phone.
Terrance:Hello.
Scott:Terrance, this is Scott.
Terrance:Oh, hey, it’s Scott.
Phillip:Tell him he’s a smelly bastard.
Terrance:Phillip says ‘hello’ Scott.
Scott:Just shut up and listen. You’ve unleashed a monster unto Canada and only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you and I wish you had cancer.
Terrance:You are such a dick Scott.
Scott:You’re a dick.
Terrance:You’re a dick.
Scott:You’re a dick.
Terrance:You’re a dick.
Scott:You’re a dick.
Terrance:You’re a dick.
[Silence]
Scott:You’re a dick.
Terrance:You’re a dick.
Scott:The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada. You give other Canadians a bad name, and if I had my way….
Terrance:Oh, I’m sorry Scott, can you hold on a minute?
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:How do you like that Scott?
Scott:You son of a bitch, I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I….
Terrance:Oh wait, I have another call Scott. Can you hang on?
Scott:Sure.
[Fart]
Terrance:Oh, that was very smelly. He says hello.
Scott:God damn it.
Terrance:Oh, wait a second Scott.
Scott:Sure. I mean no. You listen to me, if you want to save Canada you’ll meet me at Karl’s Kroff Dinner restaurant in half-an-hour.
[Celine Dion's House - 4:07 P.M.]
Ugly Bob and Celine Dion are lying in bed.
Celine Dion:Oh Ugly Bob, I’m so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.
Ugly Bob:Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.
Celine Dion:We can only hope. I suppose we’ll be ok as long as you keep that bag on your head.
Some Iraqis barge into Celine’s house.
Celine Dion:What’s this?!?
Saddam:Hey there, my name’s Saddam. I’m a big fan of polo. I’ve been searching a long time for you Celine Dion.
Ugly Bob:Oh no you don’t, she’s my bitch.
Saddam:Hey, who are you?
Ugly Bob:I’m Bob, but my friends call me Ugly Bob because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.
Saddam:Really, I thought all Candians looked alike. Let me see.
Ugly Bob removes the bag.
[Screams]
Saddam:Wow, I’m sorry guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours.
Ugly Bob:You could?
Saddam:Sure, I just need a favor. There’s a Candian football game tomorrow; the Ottawa Rough-Riders against the Vancouver Roughriders. It’s at that game that I will officialy turn the Candian flag over to my Iranian one.
Celine Dion:What?!? Why?!?
Saddam:Hey, don’t worry about that. Take a load off. Don’t think about it. Look over here.
Saddam points to a wall.
Saddam:All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game, to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. Whaddaya say?
Ugly Bob:Did you say ‘hostile takeover of Canada?’
Saddam:No, no, relax there fella.
Celine Dion replaces the bag on Ugly Bob’s head.
[Karl's Kroff Dinner Palace - 4:36 P.M.]
Terrance:Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he’s not showing up.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:Oh no.
Phillip:Well, while we’re waiting, why don’t we search for treasure?
Terrance:Oh, good idea. Let’s search for treasure.
Terrance and Phillip begin looking about.
Scott:What are you idiot’s doing?
Terrance:We’re looking for treasure.
Scott:Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can’t be described?
Phillip:No, we’re searching for treasure.
Scott:Listen, I have an inside scoop. There’s an Iraqi dictator who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.
Terrance:Yes, you mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the telly.
Scott:Well, what are you two going to do aboot it?
Phillip:What do you mean?
Scott:It’s your fault that he’s here. You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane, when you rescued your kidnapped daughter.
[Gasp]
Phillip:You mean we are to blame?
Scott:That’s right, and now you must make amends. Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada at the Rough-Riders Roughriders game. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this.
Phillip:What is this?
Scott:It’s a bomb. You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam’s minions.
Terrance:That sounds scary.
Scott:Well, you must do it for Canada.
Phillip:For Canada Terrance.
Terance:For Canada Phillip.
Terrance and Phillip walk away with the bomb in hand.
Scott:Yes Terrance and Phillip, and when the dust is settled Canada will be rid of both the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.
[Commercial]
[Terrance and Phillip's House - 12:20 P.M.]
Terrance:Well, Phillip, I’m very sad that we have to die for Canada.
Phillip:Yes, this bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:That’s smelly.
Phillip:Wait a minute, Terrance, that fart gives me pause.
Terrance:Why is that?
Phillip:That smelly Saddam Hussein, he uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not?
Terrance:Yes, apparently he does.
Phillip:Terrance, get the phone book, we must call every Canadian we can.
Terrance:Oh, Phillip, it sounds like you have an idea.
Phillip:I do Terrance.
Phillip begins dialing the phone.
Barky walks by.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
[Canada Stadium - 11:32 A.M.]
Game Announcer:And the Rough-Riders are really giving the Roughriders a run for their money. All else aside, I must say that the Rough-Riders are simply outmatched by these Roughriders.
The game clock winds down to half-time.
The horn sounds.
Game Announcer:And that’s going to take us to half-time. Be sure to stick around for the half-time show, Saddam and the Electric Iraqis and a salute to hostile takeovers.
A band marches across the field.
Terrance:Well, I guess it’s time old friend.
Phillip:Yes, prepare the alert.
Saddam:Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax, take a rest, put your feet up ’cause those dogs are barking.
The crowd looks about confused.
Saddam:You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don’t worry about that, the changes will continue. I’m here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad. Kalookh Kalakh!
An Iraqi flag is raised in place of the Canadian one.
[Gasp]
Saddam:You will bow down to me as your ruler. You will obey my laws or you will be killed.
[Laughter]
Saddam:And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem, or you will be stabbed in the head.
Celine Dion:Shtut malakh shtut, inka inka bruscht.
Terrance:Now Phillip?
Phillip:Now Terrance.
Terrance sounds his horn.
Everybody in the stadium puts on a gasmask.
Saddam:Hey, what the hell is this?
Celine Dion:Frakh o shtut koolakh koolakh a shtut.
Farting takes place on a stadium-wide scale, moons abound.
A huge fart cloud envelops the stadium.
Iraqi Soldier:They’re using chemical warfare, how could they?
Saddam falls off of the stage gasping for breath, then dies.
The cloud dissipates.
The Iraqi flag falls, one again revealing the Maple Leaf.
Terrance:We did it Phillip, we destroyed the Turks.
Phillip:Oh, glorious day.
Somebody begins kicking Saddam in the head.
Another kicks him in the ass, while yet another begins jumping up and down on the corpse.
Celine Dion and Ugly Bob remove their gasmasks.
Celine Dion replaces the bag on Ugly Bob’s head.
A lady rips Saddams arm clean off.
A dude takes his head off.
Celine Dion:Terrance, Terrance, you’ve saved Canada.
Terrance:Oh, it was all Phillips idea.
Ugly Bob:God bless you Phillip.
Phillip:Don’t touch me Ugly Bob.
Scott:Hey, what the hell happened, you were supposed to be blown up.
Phillip:We came up with a better plan. You see Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada.
Scott:Oh, that is so juvenile.
Terrance:Hey Scott, do you like apples?
Scott:Of course.
[Fart]
Terrance:How do you like them apples?
[Laughter]
Scott:I hate you Terrance and Phillip!!!
Terrance:Oh Celine Dion, you never finished that national anthem.
Celine Dion:You’re right Terrance, you’re right.
Celine Dion takes the microphone.
Celine Dion:O Canada!
Canadians:Our home and native land!True patriot love in all thy sons command.With glowing hearts we see thee rise,The True North strong and free!From far and wide,O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.God keep our land glorious and free!O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
The credits roll.
South Park Announcer:Who is Cartman’s Father, find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks.
[fin]
Transcribed by Shannon ‘BlackBart’ Greene
Copyright ©1998 Comedy Central